Yes, you read that right. I am celibate and I made that commitment to myself. There’s a story behind why I did it that way. I’m going to tell you why in a little bit but I would like to share with you the back story and why it became so important for me to find a way that works for me.
Have you been trying to keep from sex, made the commitment to God over and over again, but kept failing at it? Has it made you feel guilty that you couldn’t quite keep it together to honor God and the commitment you made to Him? I know how that works all too well. I’ve been there and I’ve done that.
I’ve made commitments to God repeatedly because that’s how the church said I had to do it to show reverence to God. I’ve lasted from 3 months to 1 year. Each time I’ve failed at staying pure, I felt quite bad. And I’ve always done it because I had given or rededicated my life back to my Heavenly Father. Of course that’s the right thing to do if you’re trying to live a life pleasing to God. But what do you when that way isn’t working for you?
Do you stay in bondage or do you seek a way that will free you while honoring God?
I found a way to be free from sex and still honor my God. I found a way after the fight, after trying to date someone (s) new, and giving my life back to God.
Yes, a fight. This was my turning point. The point when I said I’m done with men altogether because they’ve done everything they could possibly do to me. The point that made me ultimately find myself because I had to have been lost to find myself in that situation…but finding myself also made me realize that myself wanted real true authentic love that is exemplified through action.
The fight was with my then-fiancé. To make a long story short, he’d mushed me in my face and I wasn’t about to turn the other cheek. We fought and I made myself numb. I knew it was going to happen one day. There were times he looked at me like he just wanted to punch me in my face. There were times when he would aggressively grab my arm.
Those were the same times I would tell him that he would one day hit me and he would say that he never will. I knew but I didn’t actually believe it. It’s like how people know that there is a greater stronger Being over the universe but they don’t believe that it’s God. I wanted to believe that he could get help for his past and change those ways about himself. Because of my past and being rejected so much in my life…I understood his past but I allowed my understanding to hold me hostage in the relationship which led me into a situation that did more damage to my heart than the sexual abuse, lies, cheating, and other types of betrayal I had endured throughout my life. Or maybe it felt that way because everything was piling up against me while I was still wounded and unknown to myself. Maybe it felt like that because I loved him and my view of what a husband should be was always to protect from harm and not be the one causing the harm.
So, I numb myself for 3 months. When I unnumbered myself in our apartment I laid on the floor alone crying in disbelief that that had became my life. Especially since I thought that my love for and loyalty to him would cure his rebellion against going to get counseling to help him overcome his past before it all came down on top of us. I cried and I begin the healing process for that. I was able to think clearer and feel what I needed to feel in order to make my decision to stay or leave.
I left, eventually. I said no more to men. I didn’t desire a woman but I didn’t want a relationship at all. I had asked God to bless me with the Paul anointing, lol. I didn’t want to desire love. I didn’t want to desire marriage. I didn’t want to desire anything that will require me to open my heart and to become vulnerable. I’ve been through too much. And men had done everything to me that they could possibly do to me but kill me.
I was really in my feelings. I love men! That whole “in the moment” prayer I said went out the window rather quickly. I started back trying to date. Now, I pretty much pushed this one away because I still had a lot of me to deal with. I still needed to find Shekenya. He was a great guy from what I could tell but I tried to move on before I was ready to freely love and freely receive love. When we stopped our communication…I figured it was time for me to get to me and find out who is this person God has created. And I needed to figure out why He created me.
This is where my celibacy comes in at, this time. I went on the journey of finding me and I said that I didn’t want to ever have sex with another man until our commitment was official and approved by God. I became celibate. This was my 3rd time and I made that commitment to God. I gave my life back to God, as well. However, maybe not even a year later, I had sex again one time. I continued my journey but I threw the timing of which I had been celibate ,before the sex, out the window. I kept going but at the same time I started all over. This time I thought about all the times I tried to be celibate making that commitment to God. 3 times I’ve failed at trying to do it the way I was taught in church so I tried it a different way.
I made the commitment to myself. I went through the process of finding myself and in that process, I committed to myself that I would never sex anyone again. To be honest with you, it’s been easier to keep it up than when I did it for God. I did; however, make the commitment to God 2 years after I’ve been celibate. I think I did it only because that’s what I knew. I still honor God. I still allow the word to keep my flesh in check. But this time, I did it for me and made the commitment to me. I’ve lasted on this journey with no mishaps with sex and it’s going on 4 years.
So, my tip to you, if you are ready for this journey, this journey of celibacy, is to try making the commitment to yourself if making the commitment to God isn’t working for you. Always honor God in all that you do…but sometimes you can’t do it the way that it has been engraved into our history, passed down to us.
I hope you enjoyed reading my story! I hope that it empower, inspire, and motivate you. If you feel like this could help someone else be sure to share it.
P.S. If you haven’t gotten my latest book “What Single Women Should Want” you can get it here. You will not regret it!