I know that it’s common to believe that to become celibate all you need to do is make a commitment that you would be celibate until marriage. I believed that too until I lived something different. There’s more to celibacy than making a commitment.
I believe that a lot more people would like to live celibate but they’ve tried to make a commitment only and have failed. Or maybe they already know that there’s more to it but just don’t know what the “more” is. Well, I will tell you that, yes, there are levels to celibacy as I’ve found out after trying 3 times and failing.
One of the questions I hear or see on social media is how do you maintain a life of celibacy. So it’s not like people just do want to live that lifestyle…they do but don’t know how. I’m going to share Tip 2 with you today. I believe that this will really help you maintain your celibacy more than anything else.
Like Tip 1, I’m going to share with you my process so you’d understand how I came to Tip 2.
It all started on one gloomy day, lol. No, seriously…I started getting molested and raped around 5 or 6 years old. I went on into my teen years and became sexually active. I often wondered if I’d have kept my virginity until marriage if none of that happened. Afterall, it was my plan to wait to become willingly sexually active but it didn’t turn out that way. I just decided that my past is okay and it was time for me to move on from a question that would never be answered.
Then my adult years come along. Late teens, early 20’s. This is when I started taking a turn for the worst as it relates to sex and how I operated. The older I got the more afraid I had become of getting raped as an adult. The fact that my chances of being raped as an adult had increased the moment my first abuser touched me didn’t make it any better. See, back then I really didn’t know what was happening to me. I learned later what was happening and put a name to it. But I still felt the effects it had on me. I still knew how it made me feel. I still knew that I felt as if I no longer controlled what happened to my body.
I didn’t want to feel that way again so oftentimes I’d have sex with men quicker than I wanted to. I preferred to risk being called a whore more than feeling or being raped all over again. Don’t get me wrong, I was going to have sex with them anyway but only after so long. I didn’t have that problem with everyone because everyone wasn’t pushy when I let them know I didn’t want to do it at the time.
Also, I wasn’t the type that jumped around from man to man as you would think by my usage of the word “whore.” I had chosen ones. Men who I had already been in a relationship with and even my exes. I wasn’t into getting new booty once a relationship was up. If I wanted sex I just went to my chosen ones. I had to not have had sex within a certain amount of time before new booty. Maybe I was still a whore…but if I was, I was a neat, clean, and classy one.
Now, not only did I have this fear of being raped that induced me to just “give in,” I also dealt with low self-esteem issues. That combo right there was a hot mess. I didn’t want to be rejected or feel unwanted. So during this period, which was a huge one, I had two things working against me.
Eventually, I got to the point where I knew that the fear was unhealthy. I resolved to not being fearful of rape anymore. I told myself that I’d never have sex with another man out of fear and that if they rape me I’ll either call the police or kill them. It was that simple. All I knew at the time is that I was sick of carrying that fear around and I was done with it! And that meant to be done with it the best way I can.
I thought that I was good at this point. I’m in the clear and I’ll probably have less sex. I was in for a rude awakening. I had problems. Real life, can’t be swept under the rug problems with no one to talk to. No one to trust with my “business.” No one to trust with my pain. Stress was weighing on my shoulders. Life happened even more. Frustrated with the way my life was…I replaced sex by fear with sex by coping.
I started to use sex as a coping mechanism. See, people will tell you that because you are having sex that the only thing that got you having sex outside of marriage is a lusting spirit. Then they want to help you get rid of that ol’ no good spirit. So now you’re battling something that may not even be YOUR problem. After you fight this nasty spirit, you’re still running to sex. I’m going to help you out in a bit if this is you. Because fighting something that’s not your problem will not help you. You won’t overcome sex if you don’t recognize the real reason you’re turning to sex. Okay, follow me.
So, now there has been a shifting in the driving force behind my sex. I’m going to keep this right here pretty short because I’m sure they are self explanatory. Here’s the things I used sex to cope with: stress, feeling rejected or unwanted, loniness, low self esteem, low self worth, and heartbreak. Now I’ve moved into using men for sex. I still stuck to the “chosen one” but at this time, I didn’t even have to want them in anyway…not even sexually as I was only having sex with them out of the need for temporary relief from life.
I remember that my mannerism after sex would often be in the likeness of a man’s after he sleeps with a woman he only wanted sex from. I would have sex, put on my cloths, and leave or kick the guy out of my house. This was only when I wasn’t in a relationship. Of course, in the relationship I would handle the man differently but there were still times when I would have sex with the guy I was with for coping as well. I just treated him differently.
Guess what I opened the door to when I started to use sex as a copying mechanism? ADDICTION! I had become an addict. Not of sex. But orgasims. It wasn’t bad at first but eventually I had to take a look at that thing and say, no something isn’t right. I didn’t like where I was headed. I believe it to be the first stage of addiction if there’s a such thing. Orgasims had become my drug to try to escape those horrible feelings I was having.
There were times when a man could not get me there and depending on how much I needed a relief from my stress or my painful feelings, I’d turn to…no, not a woman. Stop tripping. I turned to masturbation. Just so that relief would come. It was weird to me because I always felt like that was nasty but I was willing to be that in order to, what I felt I was doing, free myself from the cares of the world even if it was only for a moment. I even got to the point where I felt like men were pointless because most of those I messed around with could not get me there. When I did it after sex, that took the cake and I was like, I don’t need them. I could just handle it myself.
The moment I was willing to completely ex out men for something that I was really against was the moment I knew I had a problem. It was like I couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried…and I had opened this crazy door without realizing it all because I couldn’t deal with the inner-me better. Instead of dealing with me, I tried to escape me. But I couldn’t.
Here’s the 2nd tip. Deal with the INNER YOU when you attempt to be celibate. Here’s the thing, sex does not always have lust in common. As you can see, lust wasn’t my problem. Fear and coping was. You may have other things your trying to cope with but learn how to deal with them.
You want to know how I stopped masturbating? I didn’t stop cold turkey. I tried to but that didn’t work. I went back to sexing men in hopes that I would stop because I didn’t like doing it (it made me feel ashamed but I had my temporary relief from what I was running from), but that didn’t work. So I ended up struggling with both all over again. I guess the better question would be, do you want to know how I stopped both?
I started to deal with the inner-me. When I started dealing with me, that little addiction I had ceased. Once I started dealing with me, I didn’t need to cope with my problems through sex. I dealt with my insecurities, self esteem, rejection, hurt, my past, and I found my identity while dealing with those things.
If you are finding yourself coping with life by having sex, you have to learn how to deal with those things and then deal with them. You cannot run from yourself and you can’t run from the things of life. Dealing with your inner-self will help you become celibate and maintain your celibacy.
P.S. If you haven’t gotten my latest book “What Single Women Should Want” you can get it here. You will not regret it!