Why Was I Scared of Marriage?
That’s a good question. However, it’s a question that was hard for me to face while I was going through it. Of course, I knew all the reasons but I wasn’t quite ready to truthfully answer the question in that long drown out moment in my life.
There have been times that I felt the reasons are some of the dumbest reasons. But I still held on to them like those reasons would save me from my own desire to be married. In fact, the fears of marriage only tortured me because the fear stood in my way of something I desired and thought about and visioned through blissful lenses.
I believe marriage is a beautiful thing once you find someone who cares to make it work as much as you do and is committed to respecting and honoring what the two of you are building.
No matter how beautiful I have always thought marriage to be, there’s a huge percentage of my life that, prior to 2008, I spent most of my time in relationships running from the possibility of marriage.
There were a few boyfriends that attempted to discuss marriage with me. I’ve entertained them all and loved the idea of marriage. I’ve wanted to marry most of them ( if I was as mature as I am now back then, I wouldn’t have wanted to marry such men) and would tell them I would during the discussion knowing that I would later find a reason to walk from the relationship.
I took their questions seriously and truly believed they were on their way to ask me to marry them so I would just drip on them because I was afraid to get married.
The number 1 reason I was so afraid of marriage is that I was scared that my husband would die. I had learned early on in my life that someone dying that close to me was a pain I didn’t want to feel.
I had lost a brother when I was in elementary. We were pretty close. When he passed away I felt like he “left” me in the sense of leaving me alone… abandoning me. I even had my first experience with depression at such a young age after he died. I believe my depression had something to do with repeatedly being raped and molested but my brother’s death was the icing on the cake. (Not that I think the situation was sweet.)
I carried how losing someone I loved so much felt with me throughout most of my life and tried my hardest to not marry so that I wouldn’t feel that pain.
Another thing I was so afraid of when it came to marriage is divorce. I, personally, do not believe in divorces. I know they happen but I don’t believe in it for me…for my life. There are only a few reasons I would want to run to the courthouse and file for a divorce. But clearly, people get divorced for the pettiest reasons. It’s like people don’t fight to fix their relationships. I’m a fighter. I fight for my relationships whether it’s family, friends, or my man.
But in my experience, most people don’t get on the battlefield with me to attack the challenges we face so we can overcome them. That’s what made me fear that maybe, I’d end up with a divorce so I feared marriage as a result.
I’m not sure at what point I stopped being afraid of marriage but I’ve been engaged twice since then. Maybe I’ll tell you one day what happened in those situations and why I never married from those engagements but it wasn’t because I was afraid.
I know that my “my husband will die on me” fear came to an end the moment I told myself that I have children so losing them would still hurt… hurt even worse than the hurt I was trying to avoid so there isn’t a reason for me to avoid marriage because of that fear. I put that fear to rest.
As far as fearing a divorce, I just decided that it’s better to make an attempt at my desires than to let fear rule me. I also committed to being proactive in whatever relationship or marriage I enter into. As well as making sure that I am in alignment with the type of man I want so that I can attract quality men who value the things I value and have the same mindset regarding relationships and marriage.
I’ve met someone who views things very similar to myself. There’s a whole lot of things I can point out about him but I don’t care to do that right now. I’ll just say that he makes it easy to look forward to a healthy marriage with him. And for that I’m grateful ’cause, hunny, I’ve had my share of scary men on top of my fear of marriage.
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